Surviving or thriving? The question that keeps cropping up this week, but if I was to ask myself which one i fell under….I would probably be just surviving trying to thrive, but unable get past the surviving part enough to do so. This has been part of my life for around 4 years, the countless counselling sessions but still ending up back in the same place every time no matter how hard I try for it not to, there have been times where I’ve thought that i’d finally past it, like in the past year where things have been going well but yet I can’t let myself be happy, much of that is down to me and overthinking. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 and it has affected me in someway ever since, i’m now nearly 20 and have accepted that this will stick with me for many more years to come, but now what’s different is the fact that I have been more open about it by talking to my manager about it for example and now writing this…so i’m hoping that these steps will actually help me beat it for good and would advise anyone else to be more open about it, because it’s more of a relief knowing someone else knows.
A big part of this is down to North Star, as it’s the first place where I’ve really felt valued as a person, unlike school where they say those years are supposed to be some of the best, not in my case. Years of bullying and feeling isolated , I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. So when college came around it was nice to finally fit in and not be socially awkward, but that’s when I started to put things into perspective more and overthink-ed on pretty much everything which doesn’t help, so things started going downhill and other feelings came into place; loneliness, emptiness, worthlessness, this list could probably go on, and of course…depression. North Star has helped me grow so much as a person, has given me a purpose everyday and it doesn’t feel like i’m being judged for the first time in my life and I couldn’t have started in a better organisation. Now I want to be as open about it as possible and make people aware that trying to go through it on your own isn’t always the best answer as I’ve found out, and finally try to beat it.